Everyone Who's Anyone, Whether They Want to Be or Not

This nettle article will, I suspect, chiefly resonate with writers and people in the publishing biz: editors, publishers, and literary agents. However, I encourage all intrepid nettle fans to stick around and read on!

I made an extraordinary discovery last evening, one that it seems very few people know about (until now!), and I want to share it with you. It's a website, a labor of love by some guy who must have taken months to put it together. A website of particular interest to writers who don't have literary agents yet. I'll admit I've been hesitant to write this article, because in a way, one could argue the last thing the publishing industry needs is more publicity about the website I'm going to be reviewing. But I just couldn't resist. I'm not so sure his site is going to be around long, so we must enjoy it while it lasts. I suggest reading this whole article before visiting the site. In fact the article concludes with a suggested way of reading the site (complete with glass of wine and appropriate music).

First, Some Background.

As some of you may know, I happen to be writing a nonfiction book. So I'm into the whole publishing thing these days, very focused on the book and everything that goes into getting it published. Getting signed by a trade publishing house in 2002 is not easy, nor is it easy to find That One Literary Agent Who Loves Your Book At First Sight And Will Make It Their Mission In Life To Find The Best Publisher For You. Especially if it's the author's first book. But like anything, all good things come to those who ... persist, dig in, fight the good fight, hang in there, and never give up. (I didn't say "wait" because when it comes to getting a book published, nothing comes to those who wait. You have to keep working in between the days and weeks and months of time that pass between sending your queries out to agents and hearing back from them.)

This article is about what one writer did while waiting.

For months I've been reading about agents in various directories and guidebooks and howtos and all that. I've gone to writers conferences. I've met some agents. I've corresponded with some. I've even gotten some interest, and am working on revisions based on agent feedback. So things are looking up. I still occasionally Google for agents, to see what's new on the ones I'm tracking.

During my Googling session last evening, I came across a web page that mentioned an agent I was investigating. The web page was unfamiliar -- very clean page, tan background color, with the most unusual design. The page was immensely long --- my browser's scrollbar squished down to a few pixels high --- and there didn't seem to be any order to the information on the page. I scrolled to the top and clicked on a link for "Home".

"Everyone Who's Anyone in Adult Trade Publishing", the home page announced. Here was a homepage that looked just like the cover of a book. Nothing fancy, strictly business.

"Adult Trade?" I admit, when I saw that, I thought, uh-oh. Don't go any further. These are not the agent-droids you're looking for. Underneath the big title were four links to agents, editors, and publishers in the US, UK, and Canada. I assumed this website meant "adult" in the commercial publishing industry sense, not in the "other" sense (you never know what you're getting into on the web). So I took a chance and clicked on the "United States Literary Agents" link. Right away I recognized some of the agent names listed on the page. Some of these agents I've met, some I've even spoken with, or corresponded with. "Adult Trade" simply means "non-children's trade books" --- the novels and nonfiction you buy at Amazon or Barnes & Noble or Borders or Waldenbooks or whatever. Not to worry.

I kept browsing through the huge page. Hmmmmm, I thought, interrrrresssssstinnngg. Everyone's emails are here! Incredible! Lynn Nesbit's! Mort Janklow's! Top top agents who only deal with top top authors and multimillion-dollar advances! Not a chance in the world they would deal with any unknown whippersnapper, and absolutely not a chance in the world they'd want their email addresses plastered all over a public, freely-accessible website for the world to see... for spammers to see. Omigod! Look at this stuff! This is unbelievable!

What did I do? I stopped reading immediately. I went back to the site's home page. I selected the "File" menu from the browser. Then I selected the "Save" option off of that menu. I saved the page to my hard disk. Then I went to the first page of the agent listings. Did File -> Save again. Saved. Went to the next page. Saved. And so on. For the whole site. Save it all. I mean, this site is a goldmine --- for writers. It's the worst nightmare imaginable, I suspect, for a lot of agents. I have strong doubts it's not going to be around for very long. A lot of these agents are lawyers. (Many agents and editors will no doubt be changing their email addresses because of the E.W.A. site. E.W.A. no doubt has caused a lot of pain and hassle in agent and publisher IT departments everywhere. And there's no doubt in my mind that any editor who has heard of E.W.A. will never represent him.)

The guy who put this E.W.A. site together, one Gerard Jones (not the comic book guy, he'll have you know), is an author who has two novels he's trying to sell. Right away, this site appeared to me to be a collection of rejection slips from hundreds of agents and editors all over the U.S. In fact, that's what I thought the site was, initially. "My Rejection Slip Saga." Every author gets rejected. It's part of the dues one must pay. I figured, by the end of Page Four, I'd see an acceptance, and a happy ending. Wait. Omigod. It's rejections all the way down. And not just rejections, either.

And it's not just agents. Jones went after editors at publishing houses as well. There are two huge pages of editor info, complete with their correspondence and rejection letters. If someone replies to Jones' email, no matter what the reply, Jones prints the email for all to see. Anything an agent or editor says in email is captured and presented in blue. Jones' replies then follow in black. If the agent or editor writes back, Jones prints that too. In blue. Jones seems to like having the last word (although, I suspect that editors and agents are going to have the last laugh). Entire email exchanges are included right in the directory. It's very much like what I imagine the experience of reading someone's personal copy of the Writer's Market 2002 Guide to Literary Agents to be, complete with thousands of personal scribblings in the margins, and, tucked here and there among the pages, printouts to all of the personal email correspondence between the unknown wannabe author and every agent listed in the book. This thing is extraordinary. On multiple levels. It's creepy, it's fascinating, it's hilarious.

I've never felt so much empathy for poor agents.

Take this memorable exchange, with one poor Mitchell Ivers, an editor with Simon and Schuster. Ivers received Jones' initial mass mailing, announcing the web directory he was creating.

"I don't accept unsolicited email submissions," Ivers curtly wrote back.

"The vast majority of editors don't even respond to unsolicited email submissions. Thanks. G."

"So don't send them. It's the moral equivalent of spam," Ivers replied. "My two cents: get an agent."

"I like sending them," Jones wrote back. "The publishing industry is the moral equivalent of incest. I've got two books, one fiction and one nonfiction, both of which are better than anything Simon & Schuster has published in the last ten years..."

"Who are you?" said Ivers. "You must be a virus. I'm delieting your first email. Identify yourself or to hell with your spam."

"Dear Mitchell: I'm not a virus. Don't be silly. Go to this website..."

"It may not be a virus but it's still a SCAM," Ivers wrote back. "Can't wait till this is illegal."

Usability, Shmusability
A nettle-style critique of these pages would be fairly straightforward. I mean, if you are a writer looking for a directory of agents that's readily usable as a quick reference, you're going to be disappointed. The design does not lend itself well to readablity or quick-scanability (although Jones has provided a search capability, and it does work). Massively long pages, arranged in seemingly unknown order, with different shaped boxes of text.... it's pretty to look at, the kind of thing e.e.cummings might do if he were still around, hacking HTML tables, but usability-wise, it's difficult to use.

Or is it? It occurs to me that this is not a directory, it's a story, a work of art. Of course! In fact, to fully appreciate this story, here is what I recommend you do:

How to Best to Appreciate "Everyone Who's Anyone"
First, you need to get some things:

• 1 candle.
• 1 match.
• 1 bottle of red wine.
• 1 glass.
• 1 computer with Internet connection.
• 1 CD of the Satyagraha opera by Philip Glass. (If unavailable, a CD of Powwaqatsi will suffice. But definitely, the musical soundtrack to this experience must be the repetitive, minimalist music of Philip Glass. Absolutely no question.)
• Several hours to burn.

Step 1. Turn off the lights in your room.
Step 2. Light candle with match. Place next to monitor.
Step 3. Open wine, pour into glass. Sip.
Step 4. Pop on some headphones and Fire up the Philip Glass music.
Step 5. Fire up web browser. Connect to the website.
Step 6. Start on Page One, and you slowly scroll down, reading every line, every box, every entry, and a few hours later you end up on Page Four, amused, shocked, a little scared (it's like standing over the shoulder of a stalker), and very, very sympathetic towards agents and editors everywhere.

Reading "Everyone Who's Anyone" is like watching certain scenes in Michael Moore films, where he takes his video camera and microphone and walks into the lobbby of some major corporation, asking to see the CEO. The receptionist gets nervous, calls for some Corporate Communications guy to come out. The CC guy comes out, and your textbook "How can I help you?" "You can help by getting the CEO" exchange begins. At some point you see the expression on the poor CC guy's face change to one of "um, this guy is a kook, time to call the cops..."

Jones has succeeded in creating a whole new kind of multi-media. A multi-layered directory. On one layer, it's simply a directory of names, addresses, and email addresses. On another layer, it's his own personal saga of trying to find a publisher for his books. On yet another layer, it's a window into the personalities of some very well known agents and editors.

I can't wait to see what happens next. Posted by brian at October 10, 2002 10:09 AM